Some thoughts

I have been thinking about me the past few days.I have been thinking about what drives me to do things. I find it extremely difficult to understand my self sometimes. The saying goes, "you have to know yourself first to know to others". I don't know my self properly.I tend to do things so irrationally, without analyzing the situation first and without worrying about my safety. It did get me in an ugly situation.

I had stay back at the university for some work the whole night the other day. So, we had to lift some heavy tables from the main block to the auditorium block, and one of the senior volunteers expressed the need for a supply of Glucose[just for an emergency]. My friend announced it in the guest room where we were staying the night, and then without thinking about the situation at all, I simply volunteered to go by bicycle to NIMHANs and get Glucose.i did not consider the fact that it was 11.00pm and that I had a sprained neck that was a giving me a great deal of pain. So,just as I volunteered, my friend lost his cool totally and threatened to slap me if I didn't shut up.I lost my temper and questioned him asking if there was anything wrong with me that he could see, other than the sprained neck that is.I understood then that it was entirely my stupidity.It was his concern for me that made him yell at me. I was so irrational and ridiculous in my actions. I did not stop to analyze the situation, all I wanted to do was to get into action as soon as possible.It is not the right thing to do in all situations. You need to think about your safety too. I was exhausted beyond imagination and I still wanted to cycle to NIMHANS and buy Glucose.Now, when I think of it, I feel ashamed of my self.I had to rely on another person to think of my safety whereas I am responsible for my self.

Something I learnt during my First Aid training at Red Cross just crossed my mind. My instructor always told us not to enter any scene without checking it thoroughly first. The first aider's safety comes first. My father also told me "balance your head and heart" many times, but I still do not feel like I have internalized his advice fully. I learnt a great deal from this experience. I realized that sometimes in life you do have to say "No". Its not about always living upto someone's expectations,it is also about the self.I work irrationally and most of the time at the spur of the moment because of my love for whatever I do. I know love has no limits but I feel the need to balance my head and heart at least now. I have to.I would have been slapped if I had pursued the situation any longer. I would have deserved it 100% if so. I am still fighting with my self internally, asking my self, why do i act like this? why can't I also be like others who think of themselves first. That is not the way I was brought up, but I still feel the need to change in the ways I behave. I have to change, I cannot go on like this.

Why are you staring mate?

I decided to go to Forum yesterday. It is a very routine activity in my life, since it is one of the few places that offer some kind of entertainment and relaxation. The only thing not routine was that I went in shorts, T shirt and flip flops. This is what I felt comfortable in. So, India being a democratic country and all, I think a citizen has the right to wear what he or she wants to. It is not the dress that measures a human being; it is his personality that should be used to measure him. I could be a hardened criminal or a good sort, and just because I wear shorts and slippers things are not likely to change in a hurry.

Man, if there was a staring contest in the world, I am sure Indians would win hands down. The men, the women, the children, old grandpas, all stared at every part of my body. This was not a zoo, mind you. It was the Forum, a shopping mall in the heart of Bengaluru. Why for the love of god, can’t I wear shorts and walk around? I am not exposing my genitals by doing so am I? I wish I had one of those T shirts girls wear which say “Don’t stare too much, you’ll go blind”. Is this what society measure s decency by? You wear slacks and a shirt with shoes, and then you are decent is it? It is again that unnecessary sense of stigma and stereotyping that have been passed down since I don’t know when, that has now caused our dear shoppers and Bengalurians to engage in staring matches. I was dressed decently ok!!! Not a dirty T shirt with torn shorts or flip flops with chipped edges. I was neatly cropped in my “out” look [pun intended]. Resistance to change is like antibiotic resistance, especially in India. Change carries the same imprint an untouchable carries. BOO!!!

I am in one of those stages in life that I have to rebel against anything I find unfair and unjust. This is just one of those. Anyone who thinks that wearing shorts and flip flops is wrong can take a hike. I am so not bothered, like sooo…… not bothereddd!!! After all they say the pen is sharper than the sword.